A Nap & A Warm Cookie

About this Journal

Current Month

Jul. 25th, 2008 @ 04:24 pm the cart before the horse

Current Mood:

grateful

So I may be putting the cart before the horse but I've started thinking again about what kind of birth I want to aim for. With the increased chance of twins using Clomid I was lamenting a loss of options and fearing the worst. But last night the person who has been our ttc midwife came over to give us IUI kits and to chat.

The Good News: Oregon midwives are allowed to do twin births at home and there are 3 in Portland who have experience. Also, stand alone birthing centers are allowed to do twin births as well. A twin home birth has 4 (4!!!) midwives attend with the experienced midwife leading. Two for the birthing parent and one for each baby. After a good long chat Jake decided he would let me try for a twin homebirth. (I really think it was the 4 midwives attending that won him over.)

The Bad News: My faboo queer, kinky midwife who has been helping us through all this has decided to stop practicing for awhile. She just got married last week and is starting again to ttc. (She has tried for awhile before. She had an m/c last summer and took a break shortly after that.) She wants to focus on her own family for awhile. She is willing to do or participate in our prenatal care and she will recommend a good midwife for us. She will try to attend our birth if we would like her there. (She says if I have twins she would Love to be there because she's never done a twin birth.)

About this Entry

Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Jul. 11th, 2008 @ 11:15 am Some thing good to say…

Current Mood:

pleased

Tags: bathroom , boy , counting blessings , del , family , jake , job , pepper , pets

I feel like I use this journal as a constant whine/bitch/freak out area. I rarely report on happy things or simple pleasures in my life. I actually lead a beautiful life but I get so caught up in the one or two places where things aren’t smooth that I forget the rest of the good stuff.

( So hear is a couple things that are making me happy right now. )

I could go on but I’m going to stop for now. Wow…that really made me feel better!

About this Entry

4 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Jul. 8th, 2008 @ 03:55 pm Pudgy Pandas and other truths

Current Mood:

frustrated

Tags: eating disorder , food , stress , ttc

I saw Kung Fu Panda shortly after it came out. (Side note: It was freakin’ hilarious. I love it. It has made me a Jack Black fan again. I was able to forgive him for the movie Shallow Hal.) At one point the Panda has ransacked the kitchen and his Master walks in. With the Master staring at him in shock the Panda says “What? I eat when I’m upset, okay?” I laughed at that line but a little part of me whispered shyly “me too.”

In the last three months I have gained 15lb. This has put me over my arbitrarily assigned “never go over this” weight. (For those of you who have never met me let me say I am fat…really fat. I have no problem being generally fat as long as it doesn’t affect my health and ability to do things I like.) 15lb won’t make much of a difference in my looks but I’m always worried that next 5lb will cause my body to tumble into all those horribly reported obesity related diseases. I’m healthy now. Blood sugar and blood pressure are all perfect and my cholesterol, last checked, is okay. (Well, my ‘good’ cholesterol could be better but the ratio is okay.)

I’m assuming this gain is because of the stress of all the changes. Going back to work full time (I sit at a desk all day), losing our donor, the miscarriage, moving to fertility drugs (I’m not even on them yet!), financial stress from having to buy sperm again…all these things have made me very upset. And, as I alluded to before, I eat when I’m upset. I don’t eat terrible food most of the time. It isn’t like I’m eating McDonalds or anything. But I do eat too much and make high fat comfort food. (Two bowls of mac and cheese is still two bowls of mac and cheese even if it homemade with whole wheat pasta.) I know I’m an emotional eater. And what is worse, I get so upset that I’ve gained weight from emotional eating…that I eat! I’ve been doing really well with it for the last 3 years until now. It just kind of snuck back into my life. I was so focused on making sure I was eating regularly and a good mix of foods in hopes of getting pregnant that I lost sight of the portion thing. This is just another reminder that this issue is never really going to go away for me. It sucks but it must be dealt with!

About this Entry

12 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Jul. 3rd, 2008 @ 11:22 am Gendered parties

Current Mood:

confused

Tags: b and the twins , baby showers , bridal showers , gender , genderqueer , jake

I’ve been invited to Jake’s co-worker’s baby shower, the one having twins. This is a two-fold handful of discomfort. First is the obvious fact that I’m not sure I can handle baby showers right now. Jake has already told B that I may not be up to making it and that it is in no way a statement on my feelings about her as a person.

Side Note: B is really great and very thoughtful. She only talks to Jake about her pregnancy when he asks about it. She also never asks “Is Yona pregnant yet?” and doesn’t give stupid advice like “Stop trying and it will happen.” She loves to ask me advice on safe pregnancy herbs and we’ve turned her into a no/low intervention birth advocate with all our movie and book suggestions. She just loaned me “Pushed” because she loved it and I haven’t read it yet.

The second is more complicated. It is a women only party. I have a complicated relationship with gender split gatherings. I don’t feel comfortable at them. Jake has been both invited and excluded from these kinds of events, neither of which is comfortable. I’ve mostly made it a policy not to go to parties that state “women only.” I find some way out. With this baby shower I have an easy out with my own issues around pregnancy. But coming up is another “women only” wedding shower for friend. The girl is having a somewhat traditional batchlorette party (albeit nicely queered as the bride identifies as a dyke who happens to be with a transguy.) There will be butch strippers and the local(and extremely attractive) transguy massage therapist giving foot massages. There will also be pedicures, which I am less interested in. It has been made clear by the organizers and the bride that Jake would not be “comfortable” at this party. This whole conversation made me feel terribly uncomfortable. Not because they were having a girls night and not because they picked me as the girl. (I am the girl. They aren’t wrong about that.) The problem is that I don’t know why I’m uncomfortable. It all just doesn’t seem right. I live in a mixed up gender world where the person I love the most lives in a constant state of either/neither. I just don’t understand the desire to have gender separated gatherings I suppose. It works for some people but not for me. Now I don't know how to handle this bridal shower that sounds like a lot of fun but is awkwardly "women only."

About this Entry

9 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Jun. 20th, 2008 @ 04:51 pm NOT DIY

Current Mood:

anxious

Tags: clomid , fears , infertility , intervention , ttc

I’m all set up in my new phase of non-DIY ttc. I have a progesterone test on cd22 of this cycle to prove I ovulate on my own. (I’m not trying this cycle, btw.) Then I’m set to do a Clomid challenge test with the start of the next cycle. A series of blood tests throughout the cycle while on a 100mg dose of Clomid. We’ll be doing an IUI/ICI combo insem at home with the test.

I didn’t realize it at the time but this is to test my ovarian reserve and determine (according to the medical people) whether or not my eggs are truly viable. (Apparently you can still conceive with non-viable eggs but will miscarry.) I didn’t realize how black and white this test is taken. If I “fail” then they will tell me I can’t get pregnant without donor eggs or embryos. So my first step into intervention feels dyer and completely focused on whether my body has “failed.” And this is only the beginning of the interventions. ::sigh::

About this Entry

4 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Jun. 20th, 2008 @ 04:36 pm Sublimating Fertility

Current Mood:

amused

Tags: fertility , food , garden

If I can’t be pregnant than, damn it, I’m going to be fertile somewhere!

I’m on a gardening kick. To be truthful I wanted a house with a smaller yard. I never saw the point in all the work that goes into a big lawn and lots of pretty but useless plants. I still don’t. When I was a kid my mom used to send me out to do yard work as a punishment. (She had discovered, a little late, that sending me to my room was no punishment for an introverted kid.) I liked being outdoors but the work seemed completely pointless. I figured out at about 12yrs old that my issue wasn’t gardening but the non-productive, just for show gardening I found in the suburbs. I tried to grow a small vegetable garden in a poorly set up corner of my yard. It was awful. My carrots never grew more than an inch and my radishes were the size of swollen peas. But I liked it. Since then I’ve always tried to grow some sort of herb or vegetable where ever I lived. I wasn’t always successful but I kept trying.

What I already have: Huge lavender, rosemary and bay; small but stable tri-color sage; and a 6 foot strip of strawberries, started as three plants three years ago, that produces from mid-June until late August. We got our first quart yesterday but we ate them too fast for me to take a picture.

What is going in the ground soon: Cherokee Purple tomato, cherry tomato (I forget what kind), Blue Lake bush beans, spinach, basil, peppermint (in a planter), nasturtiums (pest control & salad garnish), cucumber, crookneck squash and marigolds (pest control).

About this Entry

1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Jun. 12th, 2008 @ 04:58 pm The End and The Beginning

Current Mood:

crushed

Tags: bfn , infertility , kd , try #12 , ttc

::sigh::

My last try with fresh has ended in failure. Both a negative test and blood in the same five minutes. (Don’t you just love that?) This is also my 12th attempted cycle. A full year worth of attempts, though I’ve been “trying” for 1 year and 8 months now.

I’m taking a break for June while I switch back to the mindset for frozen. I’m also waiting for our new insurance to kick in on July 1st which covers 50% of fertility diagnostics and treatments. It is time for me to let go of the DIY phase of babyquest and see what western medicine can do to help this kid(s) become a reality. (Notice the (s)? I’m accepting that intervention may result in twins.) I’m still going to be conservative (does anyone else find me using that word bizarre?) in my choices of treatment but I’m willing to give some first line stuff a try. If I still had a fresh supply I’d be a little less willing to go for intervention but spermcicles are our current future so I need all the help I can get. Hopefully we will still be able to do at home IUIs but we will have to see.

Anyone with experience on Clomid feel free to toss in your advice as I’m sure that will be the first thing they throw at me.

About this Entry

3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Jun. 4th, 2008 @ 04:53 pm Updates

Current Mood:

busy

Tags: home , infertility , intervention , mom , try #12 , ttc , updates

General updates:

- I finally ovulated on cd 23. I was delayed by a scary “lump” thing by Jake which has now been decided to be completely harmless though will have to be removed eventually. (Leave it to Jake.) I was so stress all my ovulation signs stopped. Then a couple days after we got the diagnosis everything picked up again. We got in a great timed insem and now are officially done with our donor. I’m currently almost half way through with my 2ww but I’m not holding much hope.

- Jake and I decided to skip inseming with the next cycle. I won’t have coverage yet
I really don’t want to do frozen insems without intervention now. This is NOT,
however, a change in my low intervention beliefs! I took my time doing it the DIY
way but now that we are over the 12 cycle mark I’m ready to give some one else’s
methods a try. Now Kaiser infertility department gets a shot at it starting in July.

- I’m going back to my old hometown on Friday. (I’m from the San Francisco Bay Area if you didn’t know.) This is the first visit since my mom died. It might be a little odd but I’m determined to reclaim positive associations with my old stomping ground. That won't be hard with my two favorite guys with me. The boy has never been to CA!

About this Entry

Leave a comment
Permanent Link

May. 21st, 2008 @ 04:57 pm Kaiser Karma

Current Mood:

content

Tags: fertility , frozen , treatments , ttc

As if the universe is trying to make up for having to go back to spermcicles I’ve been told some interesting new info. Jake’s work is switching back to Kaiser Insurance. What is so great about Kaiser? They are the only insurance around (out of the insurance companies usually used by the local non-profits) that covers your basic fertility workups, IUI insems and some basic fertility medications. Why do they cover it? Because they consider queers like me automatically having infertility issues. (Kind of a crappy reason but after 1yr7mn of trying/12 cycles I think I qualify either way.) So starting in July I’m jumping in for some interventions. I’d still like to do my IUIs at home but we’ll have to see. If our donor was staying I would be doing this but with frozen I’m not willing to wait any longer.
Hopefully I’ll get preggers with this last cycle and I won’t have to be so thankful for Kaiser.

About this Entry

6 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

May. 13th, 2008 @ 09:32 am A change of plans

Current Mood:

disappointed

Tags: donor , sperm banks , ttc

After a lot of research and some careful number crunching Jake and I have decided not to freeze our donor. Although we would save some money per vial we would not know until after we shelled out almost $1200 if we had any viable samples. We don’t have time to do a test freeze and thaw to see if his swimmers would survive the process. (Not everyone, even with good analysis, can handle the thawing. It is kind of random.) So we could “save” about $95/month only to have 5 months worth of dead samples. To top it off we could only do it in ICI format. If we want it in IUI it would be more expensive than just buying unknown. Plus, there is no guarantee that we could even get it done in the next 3 weeks. Our donor is so busy trying to tie things up and get ready for the move that we haven’t even heard back from him about this Wednesday’s first fresh insem. (I know he will show up for the fresh insems. He feels too guilty about leaving us to not.)

It is sad. I can’t help but feel like I’m going backwards a little. Granted I know a lot more now than I knew when we started with frozen. And I also now know that I can get pregnant since I’ve done it once before. Still, it is rough. We are putting out ads again for a new known donor. Though I doubt we will find some one as great as M.

I’m still working very hard on acceptance. This is like life giving me a great big emotional tangle to sort out and accept. Just another reminder that nothing is completely in my control. I can rage against it, over and over again. Or I can accept it and work it into my concept of a happy life. It still isn’t easy.

BabyQuest stats: Actively trying for 1 year and 7 months. 5 frozen insems, 6 fresh insems. 11 cycle tries total. 1 confirmed pregnancy. 1 miscarriage.

About this Entry

1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

May. 9th, 2008 @ 12:06 pm I hate Mother's Day

Current Mood:

bitchy

Tags: mom , mother's day , ttc

I hate Mother’s day. Someday I won’t but today, right now, I hate Mother’s day.

For the last 3 years it has been a painful reminder that I am both not pregnant and no longer have a mother. People continually remind me of this fact by asking me the following questions. “Do you have kids?” No. But thank you for reminding me that after I have pined for kids for 8 years and trying to conceive for a year and 7 months I am STILL am not a mother. (ouch) And then the inevitable ‘your mother’ question/comment. This is usually a “Well, happy Mother’s Day to your mom then!” Or a “Are you seeing your mother?” Ah, no. She committed suicide a few years back. Thanks for reminding me that I have no one to call this Sunday. (super ouch)

I know these people don’t mean any harm. I know that they don’t know that I’ve been trying to get pregnant and they certainly don’t know my mom committed suicide. If they did they would definitely not say these things to me. But there is a part of me that wishes they would think before they speak.

The first Mother’s day after my mom’s death I had not started trying to conceive yet. I clung to the thought that maybe I’d have something to celebrate next Mother’s Day. This Sunday will be my 3rd Mother’s Day since my mom died and my 2nd since I started trying to get pregnant. I plan on pretending that Mother’s Day does not exist. (After I remind Jake and the boy to call their mothers.)

About this Entry

2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

May. 7th, 2008 @ 04:30 pm Update

Current Mood:

hopeful

Tags: donor , sperm banks , ttc

Shees, how confusing! The local bank I contacted said that the quarantine and retesting at 6 months before release was FDA required. Now I have different information from the bargain sperm bank we used when we were doing frozen. They require a list of tests and they all have to be negative (we know they are) for them to store it. No quarantine, no follow up testing. And he can list Jake and I both as authorized to access at any time while he is out of the country. They are in a neighboring state but that shouldn’t have made a difference in FDA regulations. All I can imagine is that the local bank lied! That is so awful.
So now, if we hurry, we have a chance to bank our donor!

About this Entry

2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

May. 7th, 2008 @ 12:18 pm Festival of Suck

Current Mood:

crushed

Tags: donor , sperm banks , stress , ttc

“Sucks” Part 1: I got my period today. Not really a big deal since we knew it was a huge long shot for it to work this cycle. Between it being a m/c cycle and being out of town when I got fertile again we didn’t have high hopes.

“Sucks” Part 2: We have been shot down by the sperm banking regulations. The Feds require the donor to retest after the 6 month quarantine before releasing the samples for use. Since our donor will no longer be in the States at 6 months we are screwed on banking his sperm. This means that we are back to unknown frozen once our donor leaves. We are looking for a new known donor but that takes at least a few months, if you’re lucky. We were lucky once with our current donor so I don’t expect to be again.

Super Suckorama: When Jake contacted our donor about timing this new cycle he mentioned...with chagrin...that his new job is trying to get him to go a month early. This would mean that this cycle might be our last try with him. My guess is that he will go early. Now we are scrambling to search for a new donor as well and rushing to reactivate our old account with the sperm bank. This is even more complex because we have decided to buy several vials at once so that I can have the same donor repeatedly.

Back to OPKs, tracking with obsessiveness and timing down to hours rather than days. I did it for a year before. After 6 months off I really don’t want to go back. I have no choice though. However, I’m going back with one little bit of information that could make it easier to take. I know now that I am fertile. It is just a matter of time before I manage to get pregnant again. Some one remind me of that in two months when I’m going nuts.

About this Entry

3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

May. 6th, 2008 @ 08:23 pm Dream Threats

Current Mood:

aggravated

Tags: dreams , family

Apparently subconscious is wrapped up in feeling my family is being threatened somehow. First that awful dream about Jake. Then last night I had this dream that some one threatened Simon. This guy came up into our driveway and started saying rude things to Simon. He and I were putting away chairs after a party. I got so pissed I started after the guy yell and trying to chase him off my driveway. I was so mad I was shaking.

What the hell is going on in my head?

About this Entry

1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

May. 5th, 2008 @ 02:55 pm Nightmares

Current Mood:

restless

Tags: anxiety , dreams , jake

I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that Jake dumped me. Not that we had broken up or some other mutual or at least understandable situation but that he had just decided to dump me. The dream started after the fact. I was looking for him to ask him why, to show him how much pain I was in and make him face it. When I faced him he looked at me with detached pity and concern. I could feel this awful pain in my chest and yelled that I wanted to die. I woke up with the same pain in my chest. This horrible stabbing feeling that was so strong I couldn’t remember if the dream was real or not. I looked to my left to see Jake sleeping soundly. I remember forcing myself to think “if he is in bed with me it must not be real.” I threw my arms around him and started to sob. He woke up and comforted me of course. I calmed after awhile but the horrible feeling in me was hard to shake. Even now, with the sun shining and “I love you always” calls and texts all day from Jake, I can still feel a shadow of the ache in my chest. It has made me feel shaky all day.

About this Entry

6 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

May. 4th, 2008 @ 09:16 pm Donor trouble

Current Mood:

disappointed

Tags: kd , m leaving , ttc

Today I got some news that I’m trying very hard keep in perspective. Our donor announced that he has been offered a dream job for 18 months in Abu Dhabi (outside of Dubai). He will be leaving in early July. It is a wonderful thing for him and he was headhunted specifically for it. But it sucks for us! We only have time for two more insems before he leaves. We are losing our donor! He feels kinda bad about leaving us but he just can’t turn down this opportunity. We understand. How can we not? He has been so great to us and wants to do what ever he can to help us in the next two months. We are now researching having him do some donations to freeze. He is such a good “producer” that we could get at least 6 vials out of one donation. This is going to take some mental adjustment.

About this Entry

5 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Apr. 25th, 2008 @ 06:29 pm An Egg!

Current Mood:

relieved

Tags: hope , m/c , ttc

After 26 days of spotting (31 days of total of bleeding) I feel very confidant in saying that it is over! I haven't spotted all day today. Not even the faintest trace. This, I believe, is because I ovulated last Wednesday. Sadly we were still in Florida when I was all fertile so could not call the donor and ask for an impromptu donation. This means that it was 7 days before ovulation that we last insemed. There is still the tiniest chance that sperm can live 7 days in the tubes so my midwife insists that we test in two weeks. I'm still not counting this as a try. My hormones were too messed up from the m/c.

All in all I'm feeling really good. I managed to get through the m/c with only the mildest of herbal intervention. I likely didn’t even need to do that. It seems that my hormones just wanted a couple weeks off before starting up again. This cycle will be about 6 weeks total instead of 4ish but that is okay. It gives our donor a few weeks off. This is what I was waiting for, a return to normalcy. But this is a return with some extra special knowledge. I now know I can get pregnant because I’ve done it once before. I’m ready to jump back in and see what comes next.

About this Entry

1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Recent Entries \| Archive \| Friends \| User Info \| Previous 20 \| Top

A Nap & A Warm Cookie

One girl's struggle to find out what is really important in life.